The Surprising Role of Attachment Styles in Friendships

Attachment styles don’t just influence our romantic relationships, they also shape the way we connect with friends and our broader community. By understanding how our attachment tendencies show up in all areas of life, we gain the opportunity to grow and deepen our love connections.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is the bond we form with our early caregivers, serving as a strategy to maintain connection and ensure our survival as children. Over time, these strategies shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world, profoundly influencing our relationships into adulthood.

While attachment strategies are often discussed in the context of romantic relationships, they also play a significant role in friendships. Recognizing our attachment tendencies in these contexts allows us to better understand our patterns and offers a chance to grow in all types of relationships.

The Three Main Attachment Styles

1. Preoccupied Attachment

   • Core prediction: “If I get close to you, you may abandon me.”

   • Preoccupied individuals often seek closeness and reassurance but may feel anxious about whether others value them as much as they value others.

2. Avoidant Attachment

   • Core prediction: “If I get close to you, you may harm or suffocate me.”

   • Those with avoidant tendencies value independence and may struggle with vulnerability, fearing intimacy could lead to loss of autonomy or emotional overwhelm.

3. Secure Attachment

   • Core prediction: “If I get close to you, we will experience wonderful closeness and intimacy.”

   • Securely attached individuals are comfortable giving and receiving love, feeling safe in close relationships.

Attachment Styles in Friendships

Although romantic relationships often highlight our attachment wounds due to their intensity and intimacy, it turns out our close friendships can also bring these patterns to the surface! For example:

• Preoccupied Attachment in Friendships

  • You might feel anxious if a friend doesn’t respond quickly to a message or worry about whether they value your friendship.

  • You may want to spend a lot of time with your friends and find it hard to handle distance or perceived rejection.

• Avoidant Attachment in Friendships

  • You might avoid opening up or sharing personal information, keeping relationships at a surface level.

  • You may find it challenging to commit to plans, often canceling last minute or maintaining a sense of emotional distance.

• Secure Attachment in Friendships

  • You’re likely to feel comfortable with both closeness and independence, creating balanced and fulfilling friendships.

  • You can navigate conflicts with ease and communicate openly about your feelings and needs.

Using Friendships to Heal and Grow

Friendships offer a unique opportunity to practice and refine your relationship skills. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships often carry less pressure and intensity (whew!), providing a safer space to explore your attachment tendencies.

For example:

• If you have preoccupied tendencies, you can work on self-soothing during periods of distance, reminding yourself that the friendship isn’t necessarily at risk.

• If you lean toward avoidance, you might practice sharing small pieces of vulnerability with trusted friends, gradually building your comfort with deeper connection.

By bringing awareness to how your attachment style shows up in friendships, you can create healthier and more fulfilling connections. These experiences not only enrich your friendships but also prepare you for deeper intimacy in romantic relationships.

It’s perfectly normal for attachment strategies to show up in all areas of our lives. The key is not to judge these tendencies but to notice and work with them! Friendships are an invaluable space for growth, helping us practice vulnerability, communication, and connection—skills that are essential for thriving relationships of all kinds.